Wireless Controllers and Handheld Games

I'm not a good gamer. I openly admit that. when I was younger my parents refused (were too poor) to get me a game system. I lived in a podunk town in northern Arizona and I dreamed of the day that we would go visit my cousins in Phoenix so I could foam at the mouth like a kid in an arcade over his NES. While we're on the subject of arcades, I also never got to really play those because I never had money to play them. This is sad because when I was younger games only cost a quarter. Because of this, I suck at those games too, but they don't fall into this blog for the simple reason of aerodynamics.

Aerodynamics - dictionary.com defines this as, "the branch of mechanics that deals with the motion of air and other gases and with the effects of such motion on bodies in the medium"

This "motion of air and other gases" in this blog will refer to the atmosphere in my apartment (roughly 80% nitrogen, 20% Oxygen) and the medium is the space between my TV, walls of my room, and floor. The objects in question will be my 360 controller, DS, and because my keyboard and mouse are wireless, them too.

Because I love to play video games, a applaud the advances in technology that allow me to play a DS anywhere I want, sit in a room unencumbered by messy cords leading back to my 360, and manipulate my keyboard and mouse wherever I want on my desk without the hassle of rerouting cords. At the same time I think that this is the worst breakthrough ever all because I'm going to destroy something with one of these easily throw able devices.

Aforementioned, I suck at games and because of this I get my ass handed to me on a regular basis. Whether it's by myself or in an online game, one can bank on the fact that I will die over and over again. This pisses me off something awful and there is nothing I would love more than to take my sorry aggression out on the thing that is controlling my shitty attempt at gaming -- the peripheral. I know that it isn't their fault, but they are the closest things to my hands and if I've learned anything from my dad, it's their fault and they must be punished.

While I haven't sent my 360 controller crashing through my TV, or spiked my DS into the floor yet, I know it's coming. I have generations of people in my family taking things out on inanimate and animate objects and I know that I can only curb this feeling for so long. I think that the only thing that is holding me back is that I'm poor and I know that I won't be able to replace whatever I break for some time.

I think that I can blame my parents for this HUGE shortcoming in my life for two reasons: 1) I never got to play games as a kid that weren't checkers or Parcheesi, and 2) my day planted the seed in me to hit it until it works. Thanks guys...

Well, I started a new post that was telling the one person that reads this, hi Larry, why I've been away from the posting realm, but I got sidetracked by trying to find more games for my arcade and closed out Firefox. That basically sums up why I have neglected to post and at the same time illustrates my severe but untreated case of A.D.D.

Anyway, outside of writing papers for class and making my home arcade the coolest thing that I've ever made, I've been away from the blogger. This is because all of this Internet posting thing is just way too tedious and I just can't justify putting my incoherent rants up for everyone* to read... until now...

Over the past year an a half I've been indulging in one of my favorite things, beer. Now, we have to get something straight, Rian's not, and I love beer. Whether it was drinking it in the wee hours of the morning with Rian and Jeremy, or at a barbecue with friends where I dislocated my shoulder serving a volleyball, I've been enjoying every sip of my hoppy, malty friend. Well, this has taken it toll on my body by slapping an extra 25 pounds onto it. I'll give you a recap of the past three years to put this into perspective.

I ran a lot, I weighed 175 pounds. I stopped running because I got tired of being the mentally challenged kid who comes in last place and substituted running with beer and delicious fast food. I then weighed 200 +/- pounds. I don't know my exact heaviest because it fluctuated so much and I'm now scared of scales. That's it in a nutshell.

At the beginning of June I got some wild hair up my ass and decided (after running into a couple of people and they gave me the "you've been putting on weight" greeting) that I needed to do something about me being such a fatty. I also decided that if I did want to loose weight it would be contingent on three main things: I would have to become physically active again, I would have to dramatically change my eating habits, and lastly, I'd have to give up my beloved beer.

The first two are a completely separate post; the reason for this post is to explain how giving up beer has been a bitch and what I've substituted into beer's empty void.

Now in the past year-and-a-half I've tried to cut back on my beer intake, but its just been too easy to pick up a six pack and enjoy my Xbox 360. Drinking and playing Xbox makes me happy until my girlfriend sees that I'm drinking and then starts to bitch about it. Because we lived in a tiny apartment and I couldn't physically get away from her, I drank more. I also hated my job, so I drank more. I think it got the worst when I was getting a good buzz going by dropping 4 or 5 beers before I went to my job just to take the sting off. To make my point clear, I drank a lot.

Well, I fixed the job part, I quit. We fixed the apartment situation by moving to a two bedroom place where I get my own little man room. This has literally been the difference between my sanity and killing babys. I've been on the edge and killing babys seemed to be the logical way out. Now the last thing I needed to do is curtail my drinking and I found that in the form of running and vodka sodas.

All-in-all, this has worked out great. Vodka sodas are low in calories and I don't drink them all of the time. Vodka mixed with soda has little to no taste so I don't drink them because they have a unique taste. I should also mention that I like the different flavors of beer. Shit, I love every micro, specialty, and seasonal brew that every brewery has come out with.

Now that I have a new found drink, I've been experimenting with different vodkas and here are the three that I've tried so far:



Smirnoff - This is my "bargain" Vodka. Fifteen bucks for a 750 ml bottle and it works for parties. I found out that I don't drink these near as fast as beer so one bottle lasts much longer than a 12 pack of specialty brew










Three Olives Vodka - A small step up from the "bargain" vodka, I was able to pick up a bottle of this for 18 bucks on special from Bevmo and it does go down a little smoother. There are also different flavors that Three Olives is know for, but I'm not looking for anything too special. Vodka
flavored vodka works for me.









Ciroc - Finally we come to my favorite vodka. This shit is distilled from grapes and that is done 5 times. This shit is smooth. Almost tasteless and fucking flawless. Did I mention that I love this vodka? It should be noted that unless you're a baller and want to drop 8 to 10 bucks for a shot of this out at a bar, enjoying this at home or a party where you bring your own alcohol is going to be your best bet. If I recall correctly, 30 bucks will get you 750 ml at most stores.





So, to recap, I gave up beer and picked up running and vodka. I'm running more often than I'm drinking vodka so things are working out.

Well I was just on WeGame.com, and I saw a very shitty cam version of the much hyped, pushed back GTA IV and all I have to say is, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer of the "if it's not broke, don't fix it" idealism, but shit people, how many times can you slap a different skin on a dated engine?

I do expect that there will a mind-fuck of a HUGE open world but graphics don't sell games. The sheep of the gaming industry will eat this shit up on the sheer fact of gorgeous landscape, but that the last game that Rock Star gave us was ping pong.

Oh, but there are new actions, weapons, and vehicles that we've all been waiting for? Well, hell yeah, there isn't any other time frame that these guys have to tackle.

They hit the vague late 90s with the GTA 3, which was gaming GOLD. We got to do ANYTHING but swim and fly in this game. I could have died after this game.

In the next installment, now the 80s, we got Ray Liotta , the pre-coked out Tom Sizemore, Jenna Jameson, Dustin Hoffman, and "I love to play that forgettable character" Luis Guzman. That man was in Boogie Nights and I love him for it, but I digress...

This game also let you fly a plane, drive a motor cycle, and I'll be shit-stupid if I didn't get a boner when I stole a car and there was Reigning Blood blasting on the radio. Also, who can forget the failed attempt to bring back Laslo, the overly duchie radio personality?

Now THAT was a good game.

Next in line was the 90s and who better to fill the shoes of the protagonist than a black guy?

*gasp*

This shit doesn't get any more raw than a car load of gang members rolling buy and flattening a target with an honest-to-god drive buy. I mean, the guy who looked like Easy-E was sitting on the passenger window shooting over the car. Shit doesn't get more real than that.

I will have to admit that this was the GREATEST GTA of them all. Jet packs, your own air strip, and he could swim. I know that you could swim in the previous game, but TJ made it look all the more believable. If you wanted to you, could gorge yourself on chicken and balloon up into a fat ass hole or take it the other way and hit the gym every day.

And then there was Sam Jackson that was the dick-glutton cop that popped up from time-to-time to tell you how much he hated the back of Forest Whitaker's neck because it was black.

I have loved all of these games and have devoted a major portion of my life to them, but you're running out of minorities and if this Russian doesn't deliver...

I swear to L. Ron Hubbard that if this game still has you jump like a rejected member from River Dance and has you slap dance with people in hand-to-hand combat then I will personally shit on my copy and mail it back to Rock Star.

The ball is in your court, Rock Star, and mark my word, if all you've added is 20" Dubs, then I'll be pounding down your door with a Russian AK-47 showing all that you've left out.

Prove me wrong. Please.

Jesus Toast

Where better to kick off this poor excuse for a blog than with the current state of affairs with religion and it's love for toast. Now, I haven't been inside of a church in about three or four years, but I don't remember there ever being any mention of Jesus' love for toast. I'll give you the *in your best hillbilly voice* "...but Jesus broke bread at the last supper..." argument, but that was just plain, un-toasted bread!

Are all of these Jesus sightings that are popping up on cooked bread a result of Jesus', and his mother's, jealousy of not having the means to toast bread? If you look at the pictures above (Jesus to the left and Mary to the right) you can almost make out Jesus screaming, "I WANT TOAST!" Mary, on the other hand, looks like she could get down on a loaf of toast, in the biblical sense.

Another theory of mine is Jesus being pissed at the misuse of crackers in the many communion services across the globe. He was looking down on Earth one day and he happened to notice, between his loving the little children of the world, that there was some lazy priest whipping crackers at the fellowship of his church. Once again, look at the picture, "I WANT TOAST!" Now if I'm right, everyone is fucked because rather than taking Jesus in your mouth, in the biblical sense, everyone's just been getting a stale saltine with some wine to choke it down.

All that aside, should you be making yourself some delicious toast and you come to find that Jesus pops up, do you eat the toast? And if so, do you butter it? Would Jesus eat a buttered, melty good, delicious slice of his self portrait? I think that he would.